eternalturnkey | Taoists?

She'd been waiting for Futo to arrive, to speak to her, but with the way that morning encounter had gone, Miko herself had already made up her mind about how she was going to handle the whole situation.

And so, she paused what she had been working on as she heard Futo approach, then speak.

"Come in," and by the time Futo came in, Miko was already faced away from the desk she had been working at, sitting as befitted a statesman of her former position.

Without lifting her head much she slid the door open and entered, then slid it closed behind her. She made sure to be facing Miko's direction but again placed her forehead to the floor.

"I have wronged you greatly in my selfishness... and dared to insult you with claims of the same. It is not my place to deny your wishes and for this transgression I am most wrong. I have reflected on my conduct and understand this... and wish to give my solemn apology for this transgression. I understand if you do not accept this heartfelt expression, and understand if you wish to punish me. I will take what you deem as appropriate without question... even banishment would be a proper punishment and I will not object...." She almost wanted to cry, because she was quite sure she should be banished for her callous actions.

There was an agonizing, purposeful silence after the last of Futo's words rang into the air, then Miko took a deep breath and...

"I will accept such an apology. In fact, meting out punishment isn't necessarily something I will do - I will, instead, treat things as is in line with the desires you have told to me."

She tilted her head a bit, not wishing to make things any more personal than they were.

"Have you anything else to report, Mononobe?"

... And in one sentence, delegated Futo back out to only a retainer, and nothing more. No more sleepy, affectionate snuggles in the morning. No more speaking of feelings. Futo was simply a person to use as a guard and whatever else Miko wanted and nothing more, despite Miko's own wishes.

The desires she had told her? Perhaps banishment would be a kinder fate.

"I..." there was nothing else to say. There was no news to report, no matters to relate. But she did not want to leave yet. But without anything to say she will be dismissed and she was sure once dismissed there was no hope at all.

Could she really take such a distant position properly again? What was the point... what was the point in gaining immortality if she had wronged the one who understood her bast so badly that she was no more than dirt to them now? It wasn't something that had interested her before... if this was where her thoughtlessness brought her, what was the point in continuing? She would just be alone again.

"Please! I beg of you forgive me!"

Edited 2013-05-05 17:33 (UTC)

"I have forgiven you, Futo," and she sounded a little surprised by the outburst. "I offered something more than what you had, and you refused it. And so, in line with the desires you have shown me, all you wish to be is a servant with no potential for anything more. So you will receive all the chance you ever want to only serve as a retainer that you desired. And no chance for anything more; which is somewhat disappointing, but my prerogative is to hear desires and grant them."

Which it had: Miko had offered to allow Futo to spend eternity with her as a lover, and had been shot down.

"It hurts a bit, rejection always does, but I'll get over it. As time marches on, this new normalcy will become so routine this little hiccup will be as nothing, a figment of the distant past. Or rather, the future will just be a continuation of the early past, really, no longer interrupted by affection or love, and as it should be. In fact, I should apologize, for attempting to push that little change of relationship upon you. That wasn't fair of me."

She sat back a little more, about ready to turn around and continue her work.

"If that is all, Mononobe. Truly. Consider the transgression forgotten."

"You are still punishing me... for did we not at least have a closer relationship than that of pure servant and master?" This wasn't her desire, though she did not understand her full desires well. Still, she felt this was more a harsh response to her uncertainty and fear than it had anything to do with her true heart's wish.

"If you would grant my desire, than grant that I be sent away or rejected from this life going forward. I have no wish to continue in such a distant place and would rather take rest with the cycle of life. If I am not at least your closest disciple, than I have no need for continuing this path."

"I was not content with the way our relationship was before. To go back to just that state would honestly be more than I could bear. And so, I am deciding on the course that requires the least out of both of us, and leaves us both open to finding other options. Ones which are not bound by an ancient restriction and thus are free to progress to a satisfying ending for the both of us. I can't, and won't, be rejected as such twice. Clearly what we both would want from such a close relationship is different."

She looked Futo over, and felt a little twinge, however, of regret. She knew she was going a little overboard. But if it was going to be nothing but a hassle to try to bring things to the level she wanted to be at, then she was going to not go the path of most pain. It had always been a little difficult to deal with Futo, but Miko wasn't used to facing such rejection, and the pain involved with it. Unpleasant enough as it was, she wasn't going to continue on with it.

"You needn't go away entirely. You needn't, honestly, do anything differently with your day-to-day activities. You may be a disciple. You may be a retainer. But you have shown you can't want anything more. And so, I am adjusting accordingly. I will not send you away, you've earned your place here. But we also cannot go back to how things were before, because the natural progression and ending of all those years of growing closer was what I offered, and was rejected on. And so it was all for naught."

"It is not all for naught... but if you so feel that all is in ruin.... If I have lost so much then allow at least this selfish request do away with this shameful person who has wronged you so," because at this moment Futo felt no desire to continue like this. She had dedicated her life and immortality to Miko in a particular way, and if she could not have at least that place, than she needed no place and nothing.

Immortality was meaningless if she was nobody. And hearing Miko's words made her sure there was no way to rectify the issue, make up for it, or even admit that she had been wrong.... If things were set in stone as is, there was no longer a point.

"I admit I was fearful, for I know not how to conduct myself in such a way, and the urges and thoughts within me are most distressing... but if there is no way to make up for my actions, than remove all potential and be done with me completely."

"It is not a servant's place to request such a thing," the response was almost immediate, and Miko paused as she realized what the further implication of that was. That was too cruel. Instead, she let the silence pervade a moment or two longer than she had intended, before sighing.

"However, it may be in the place of someone on more equal footing with myself," she let her fingers lace together, briefly, as she pondered it.

She didn't want to take rejection a second time, but maybe she could offer a better alternative.

She felt trapped now. She didn't quite understand what was being said. Was such an option completely lost to her?

If there was no other choice....

"Then I shall take care of such matters myself, if you worry of taint you shall have none of it."

"No, Futo," she thought it over a moment longer, her hands squeezing together again as she thought. "What I mean to say is...

If you are truly nothing more than a servant, then you don't get the choice. For that is not my desire, and you are not allowed desires outside of my own."

Her eyes narrowed, briefly. "However, you are and have always been more than just a servant. Yet to continue on as we had before, with all this energy expended and so pitifully little reward, at least on my end, is not something I wished to do." Then, she closed her eyes. "And so, now, knowing what my intention had been before, what end I wished from it, will you take the opportunity to make an attempt anew? Or is this where we part ways?"

"If there is opportunity to mend what has been wronged... I would like to mend what has been broken and move forward. Otherwise I reject your position and give myself leave to do as I feel is right," she wanted to amend, to grant this potential and give Miko realization to her desires, if it meant this pain could be lifted.

"May I lift my head and approach?"

Another long, contemplative moment, then Miko took a deep breath and sighed.

"You may," and she said no more than that.

She sat up and drew closer, she looked tired and just a bit stressed.

"May I take your hand?"

Miko unlaced her fingers, and held her hand out, slowly. "You may."

She took Miko's hand in both of hers and placed her forehead against the back of Miko's hand. It was an unspoken plea and request.

"I will not spend time pursuing what you will not offer me," a statement, by way of her conditions. "That doesn't mean I demand you to offer it right now, for that would be extremely unfair of a demand to place upon yourself after this time of such high tension."

She curled her fingers a bit, as though to hold Futo's hand. "I offer the chance to spend eternity as more than just a valued retainer and companion. I offer the chance to spend eternity at my side as a lover, and more of an equal than you can likely fathom with your views, but which a restriction will not be placed upon. However, if you cannot accept that, and you cannot adjust to it, then the emotional connection must be severed wholesale; you must understand it's to protect us both from pain. If that severing then means you can no longer live at my side, then you are free to leave."

"Your price is too high... I feel lost when offered such a thing. I know not where to start or end. And being in this place, this tentative place of which you have quite strongly reinforced, I am further lost as to what that means. It is safe to be below... but what you ask of me with such openness I fear my open the door to a monster I know not what to do with. It is not that adjusting to such a thing is impossible," but her frame of reference was lost and it did frighten her. She was afraid of possibly offending, and even if Miko spoke as if there was no worry of going too far... how could she be assured some similar situation would not lead to this same outcome?

The ultimatum however was too high, even if it was spoken as if it were nothing. And that she would not allow Miko to ignore. That was the responsibility she had in having accepted her devotion before. To use such light words was hiding the severity of her intentions.

"If you are intent on severing such long ties because you are not gaining quick enough rewards, than that is your choice to make. But do not hide such with ambiguous words if between us, and speak the true outcome openly. If you deny me that much in the case of your decisions falling towards such separation, I feel at leave to say that I will not hold back in making the consequences felt ten fold," they were cruel words, but she meant every word. But then she had a cruel streak in her.

Such extremes however was not her wish, she did indeed wish to make Miko happy and not longer upset and ready to throw her away. But now, when before she had felt so confident in this, she did not know how much her lord could gleam from her intentions. She wondered if she was so confused that even Miko, who she had always thought understood her, could no longer tell what was deep inside her heart. Lacking words she chose to kiss the top of Miko's hand.

All she wanted was to feel Miko's touch and feel safe again.

"You find that ambiguous? The ultimatum of that you choose to make work, with time and guidance, which I stated would not need to be now, but would be worked on until it was comfortable to you, but needs the acceptance now? And that if you cannot do as such then you may feel free to continue serving with no emotional attachment or leave at your discretion?" Her tone was sharp, suddenly. Whatever Futo had said had tripped her into a more severe mindset.

"I thought I made it plenty clear. And now it cannot be any more so. You are not dense in the mind, Futo, but you certainly make that hard to believe here."

She pulled her hand from Futo's.

"But since you said yourself that the price is too high, then clearly you have already made the decision. I will not face rejection again, and I will not have someone at my side who is not strong and firm in their convictions when given a clear choice. I thought you would happily take the opportunity to seize more power as it is given to you, and I would happily give it to you, along with all the love and affection you could want.

But I have been scorned. And if your choice is that you cannot serve with no emotional connection, then I shall have Tojiko escort you to the door.

Good bye, Mononobe. What you do with your life from here on is your choice; but don't die here where it'll just attract the shinigami."

And with that, she stepped around and headed toward the door to call Tojiko.

She was getting angry herself, she was not rejecting anything!

"Who needs the affection of one so quick to toss a companion aside!" Forget it, if this was how Miko would be, then why hold back anymore? She took to her feet and turned to face Miko as she passed.

"Temperamental and difficult to please, you do not get your way so toss your toys aside? Granting freedoms when in truth they are nothing but false promises for you can not handle anything that veers from your defined line.

"Your price is too high for failure, your price is too high for not adhering to your immediate preferences. Who would wish such an agreement when another's worth is so little to you that throwing them aside is as throwing out a warn pair of shoes? If that is my worth to you, to be discarded as trash, than I do not want your false love! Keep that to your consorts of which such things are expected, but I will not be treated as an owned object to take and throw out as your mood deems!

"I am the daughter of Okoshi, sister of Moriya, my support of you was my own choice! My confidence in your wisdom and my trust in your intentions gave me strength to find favor for you. My love for you was strong enough to give myself fully to you and your cause! But here? Here you wish to cast me aside and sever all ties and history because you wish not to work a difference in opinions out? Than what point do I have in continuing as ruined as I am!? At least take responsibility for that which you have wrought on me and accept that as the holder of my life and soul that such actions is the same as severing it completely from this world. To run away from that is not only insulting to what I have given but also selfish to dissociate yourself from the cost of your actions!" she was yelling at this point, that fiery temper boiling upward.

"If I am worth so little to you, than I will die where you will see and remember it and cost you the most."

Edited 2013-05-06 05:33 (UTC)

"And who was the one who rejected me first? And who was the one with their rigid inflexibility that outright denied, and destroyed the climax all the interactions of the many years was working toward? And here I still stand, rejected and scorned, and now I am insulted more on top of that by the person whose actions began it all and by the person whom will not truly accept me," she didn't turn to look at Futo. In fact, her voice, while edged, was still calm. "The last part being more insult atop otherwise injury."

"You have made the decisions which led to this. I gave you the options. I told you that I wanted your love, but if it was not meant to be, then we would have to sever the emotional connection so neither of us, meaning I was considering your feelings as well, would have to keep being hurt by something that was never going to be. I thought you wanted it as a relationship as such, so I worked toward it. And that was my mistake. Clearly, your life is meant to be lived alone and in solitude. Clearly, you never needed me in the first place."

The door slid open and she half leaned into the hall. "I gave you options. And this is the path you have taken. So this is the one that must be seen through to the end." Finally, she raised her voice, but only to call down the hall. "Tojiko! Mononobe no Futsuhime is deemed unwilling and unfit to maintain her status as retainer to myself. She is hereby ordered escorted and barred from the premises."

She looked back at Futo from the side of her eye. "I do love you, Futo. And that's why I have to do this so quickly and so thoroughly, before my heart wavers toward someone that is clearly not good for me and cannot help make a longstanding dream of mine a reality. Though I suppose in that regard, twice, it has failed."

"I did not reject you!" it came out more sob than anything. "You are not considering my feelings in this, you are only considering your own. For one who can hear desires, why are you not hearing mine properly? Why must you hurt me in this? This is exactly my fear, this is everything that I feared...." to give to temptation and lose everything.

"But you did. Before you could not accept it because it was outside of your comfort zone as a retainer, even when I said it needn't be so difficult, because I'm not the prince anymore. Now, you say it is too much for you to handle. Likely for the same reasons as before," she leaned against the door, crossed her arms over her chest. "How is that not rejection if you would not even so much as give me room to have a chance? I tried to be gentle about it. Numerous times, in fact, but I cannot continue on with something that personal forever. I do not have eternal, limitless patience."

She sighed. "I can hear them. They don't know what they want. And that's just more pain waiting to happen.

I'm sorry, Futo. But I can't accept something without at least a little firmness behind the resolve. Too much risk, otherwise."

"I want too much and it is conflicting. What am I to do with such feelings? It is frightening at times, how can I think of wanting to be in control? How can I think of holding you down? If I indulged in such things... what would happen? What if I gave offence? What if it was forsaking all that was left of my femininity?"

Firmness... what was firmness? What would be acceptable firmness....

"When have I ever punished you for affection? I'm drawing something of a blank on that scenario. Furthermore, what would happen, I wonder? I think you'd get a chance to sit astride me for a while and enjoy my reactions for once. It doesn't eliminate your femininity, we're both girls, it's only natural that such a role would temporarily be taken up by one side or the other. Someone has to do some work, after all," her stance relaxed a bit, and she looked into the hallway once more.

"Nevermind, Tojiko, stand down for now. The order is rescinded."

She turned back to Futo, closing the door behind her and stepping back into the room. "If you offend me, somehow, what do you think is going to happen? Look at all of these things which you've said to me, and still I find patience to give to you, still I find an ear to give to your voice. If you offend me in a personal relationship, I will simply tell you that it is as such. Sometimes, it will depend on my mood; sometimes I will not want to end up pinned and held down beneath you. Sometimes I will. You can't predict those things like I can. So you just have to trust that I will tell you, without being hurt, that I'm not in the mood for such a thing, and you will honor that, and we will move on."

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